And Then...

Reaching to the sky, arms extended, legs rooting firmly to the earth, my mind feels at peace today, resting neutrally in the space between what was and what is next. The question of longing has been seeping in and out of my body this last week…what am I longing for in my life?, in my art?, in love?, in carving my path? Am I longing for connection, for understanding, or am I simply longing for the need and right to BE-LONG? To be who I am becoming?...Each day welcomes a deeper unfolding of myself, my longing. As I feel the seeds of my path drift into the earth beneath me, I relinquish the need to hold on, clinging to ideas, expectation…If I simply let go and drop into my body, responding to sensation, what space do I arrive at? This morning I found myself fully immersed in this majestic ether, becoming part of the natural environment as I moved and responded to the birds, the chimes, the wind ruffling the leaves, the distant hum of cars, water rippling, cats crying in need of love…Becoming this space allows me to perceive my sense of longing with heightened awareness, to understand the seed of fear that lay rooted at its core. Opening to sensations gives me presence in this space of awareness, inviting me furthers still to drop it, surrender, just let go…
    Switching between the feeling body and the imaginational realm helps provide insight into our own internal process. Once again I find myself coming back to exploring the aesthetic concept of space in the creative process. Transitioning from the deconstruction of metaphor that fuelled my Masters Thesis, I arrive at the same ‘space’, only this time from a somatic viewpoint. Fascinated by the images and words that stem from movement exploration and the space that subsides between movement and the creative point of articulation, I have reached the crux of my own direction into this work; a study of the synthesis of language and the flux between movement, words and drawing.

Drop It!

As the cathartic releases of the last 24 hours ooze out of my cells I am reminded of the beautiful words of Melody Beattie in her book, The Language of Letting Go: 366 daily meditations: ‘God help me let go of yesterday so I can open my heart to the gifts of today. Help me let go of my expectation and accept the gifts that you give me each day, knowing that there is beauty and wonder in each act of life’ (Beattie, 2000; p.24).
    Awakening with the sun, I forfeit my practice to drink in the pleasures of an early morning walk beside the water, already glistening in the vibrant yellow light. My body, exhausted yet tender riding a wave of quietude that follows a night of deep, long sleep, punctuated by ethereal dreams; standing in my closet I was sorting all of my belongings into show boxes - those of value and those of no value - letting go of all that does not serve me in my life. My body had gained a profound understanding of my need to relinquish expectation in my life in order to become more embodied, at peace and a better human being. On a physical level, it manifests as a inherent need to slow down, finding a sweet balance between external strength and internal softness. Always favoring to exert myself physically and strive towards a goal, my muscles increasingly invite me to let go, surrender and simply rest! Today  with a tinkle more receptivity, I have become more conscious of every movement, of the walk from the kitchen to the bathroom, of the sensation of extending my arm to reach a mug… catching my mind - gently reigning it in whenever it becomes tempted by the desire to plan, to fantasize - skipping forward or backwards. Again, I come back to the art of letting go, of opening to the experience that awaits:

Sometimes losing our plans and dreams for our future can hurt as much as losing a tangible thing. Sometimes accepting and releasing our broken dreams is part of accepting a loss. Let go of your expectations. The universe will do what it will. Sometimes your dreams will come true. Sometimes they won’t. Sometimes when you let go of a broken dream, another one gently takes it place.

(Beattie, p.24)

Just DROP IT!

Just Dance...

A paradox  to my last entry title, ‘Finding my Seat’, today I found myself in a space needing to move, needing to dance constantly all day, exploring and shaking away the emotion that was eating away at me from awakening. Today my seat was nowhere in sight….What materialized in my body was utter sadness of leaving California, and a deep realization of a loss of certain expectations. It became obvious that I feel a sense of difficulty in being easy in my neutral mind, preferring to ride either between the positive or negative. Today I was fully engulfed in the negative mind and I discovered and explored a wicked part of myself that I do not allow to surface, perhaps my not so nice ‘shadow self’! On the deck I danced the dance of anger and fire, my body propelling me up and down, slamming with all my strength, screaming out the twisted shadows that consume me when I let my guards down and express my vulnerability. Rolling and rocking, ironing out the anger, I felt utter relief in owning this part of myself and moving it out of my body, feeling the shape it takes in words and images. T r e m o u r …Sinking….follow this line…

  

Finding my Seat

Sitting in stillness, stretching my eyes to the horizon, spindles of light passing through me, I feel a sense of ease, openness and receptivity being back in California. To feel the sunshine on my skin, the rhythmic sound of water and clinkering chimes, I imagine every cell being nourished in my body, brought alive by the beautiful gift of space and serenity. My last month in Vancouver has taken on the dream like quality of a mirage - fragments intertwined  together… I feel utter compassion for being given the space and time to reflect and feel where my heart and feet are taking me. Gratitude for the huge hearts of my dear friends for their empathy, patience and openness; trust in myself for listening and integrating, rather than reacting in haste.
    Nestled in Marin, I feel my whole pulse slow down, arising each morning to consume my practice on the beautiful sunlit deck overlooking the water with majestic Mt. Tam beaming in the background! Perhaps my love of California is rooted in its very physicality, an energetic vibration that reminds me of time spent amongst the pine and lemon trees of Northern Spain. A sacred space in my heart that I am connected to constantly here in California. Jumping into my body, images and words have been pouring out of my cells, inviting me deeper into my creative aura. The dance of uncertainty and pathways still permeates, only now a softness and acceptance reigns. I feel blessed to be spending creative days with a kindred spirit, moving, writing and drawing. A snippet of the work...
 

Duality: The Shadow Self

Day two begins in restorative pose and deep abdomen breathing. Today I am going to wait until my body moves me - I want to discover where it is heading. Slowly my head moves from left to right, feeling the cerebrospinal fluid flowing, I track the movement and sense where I am holding. My right side (as always) feels heavy, planted on the floor sluggish with tension. I feel myself holding in my hands and pelvis, resisting the urge to break free for now as an image appears. Floating orange dots swirling above my head, directing me how to move. Feelings of distrust and hurt flood through me into energy that needs to be released as my head surrenders to the image and sways around the room, drunkenly swimming through space. Suddenly a narrative appears and two distinct voices permeate my body:

I ran away once, hid, pretended no one saw me. Until that day, BANG, I  appeared again on the door step of my own love. I pleaded with myself, “Let me in, let me in”, but you disowned me and slammed the door in my face. “I want you out”. I didn’t know who she was …was she me? I could not tell. All I knew was that I liked her, I hated her, I cherished her, I resented her. “I want you out” said she to she, me to me. I turned to you. “I want  you out”, getting quieter and smaller….when will the words  f A L L off this page? Maybe I can write s d r a w k c a b to conceal, will that work? Will they fail me?…

Moving between alternate voices, I found myself in the indeterminate space between my conscious thinking mind and my sub-conscious knowing mind. How can this be useful in terms of the life/art bridge? Firstly, it enables one to become aware of a deeper sheath - a part of ourselves that is perhaps in conflict to how we ‘know’ or perceive ourselves. Jung refers to this as the Shadow Self, as that which contains the repressed and wounded recollection from childhood. In Daria Halprin’s words, ‘the personal shadow from which no person can escape contains the collection of qualities and feelings that were not allowed - the negative emotions, the not-so-nice characteristics, the disorderly and chaotic, or any other aspect of our person that might jeopardize the well-constructed façade of the ego’ (2003; The Expressive body in Life, Art and Therapy, p.177). Accessing alternate voices in movement allows us to be consciously aware of the Shadow Self and thus begin to work with it creatively. To use Halprin's words once again,‘Our wounds when worked with imaginatively and mindfully, can ultimately engender transformations in ourselves and lead to more meaningful relationships with others’ (Ibid, p.178). Today's movement exploration manifested as a strong emotion being released through utilizing two distinct voices speaking together. The next step; working deeper with the Shadow Self to continue the search for resolution and balance...

Transitioning

Sunrise sailing through the Gulf islands; an ethereal picture of calm and transience. Again I find my feet stepping in new directions, to a new place. I am dubious as to what awaits me here…I have no idea how long I will stay, I feel right now  I must be in this place of serenity and quietness to open my life to the book that is waiting for my pen. My intension: to find a sense of balance and resolution in my body, to explore and discover what this next year holds for me and where. With increasing hurdles blocking my Canadian Visa, I awoke knowing it was imperative to find some answers in my body, switching off the mind and its logic, planning and foreseeing and instead sensing. Locking myself away from the external world for three days, I set an intention for movement explorations; resolution and exploring the dance of fear and uncertainty. What materialized over the course of the next three days was my rock, my savor in opening myself up to what I was feeling in all my years of moving across the world. Day one: explore balance and imbalance in movement. What does it feel like to fall, to be unstable, out of balance, out of synch? Is there a disparity between the head and the heart (thus body)?. What happens on a emotional level? After much experimentation with toppling, decentering and returning home, a narrative appeared in my body and through my pen. Walking forward, my head extended - leading with the head, I feel rushed…eyes leading I tune out my senses, not feeling myself. Where are you body? I am leaving you behind…where did you go body - I need you?

DROP IT

Developing the movement…my head pulls back and I walk backwards slowly. I feel fear, nervousness, trepidation. Shifting, pausing, stopping. Re-aligning head with heart so I can feel it nestled firmly on my shoulders. I feel my entire body ... What does it feel like to dance the dance of balance and unity? Swirling and running, jutting from back to front, left to right, my body wants to find playfulness in coming off centre - finding balance and then tumbling. If only I can let myself simply fall, to drop to the ground and surrender to the dance of uncertainty. Where would it take me? Today I found so much freedom in my own imperfections, a space of acceptance in my feelings of displacement and a sense of wonder of where my higher self is taking me on this journey. Do I have to confine myself to place? Can I simply be at home in my body? As day one comes to a close I am reminded of the beautiful words of Carlos Castaneda; "Any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you."

Surrender

Tugging, tensing, twisting; my body finds its dance, its form, surrendering to all that is coming…releasing, inch by inch all that keeps me encapsulated in my protective shell; the rejection and suppression of my creativity. Each day, with intention and awareness my body moves more and more from its heart, chipping away its path, seeking acceptance in where I am right now in my life and releasing the need to achieve, to ‘become’ what is expected. So many threads of my personal mythology have bleed through these last three months; memories, heartache, bliss….what has shined is my fiery impetus to reveal myself to the world, to carve my path as a mover and a writer and to live with trust fully in the present. Dear body, you gave me the space, the strength to breathe again in all your capacity. You opened the door to the mystery inside, and now it is dancing its way out for all to see. I surrender to you body, always knowing I would someday become my desires…

                                                            Ode to ‘I’


                                                            I exist.
                                                           With a breath, my image fogs
                                                           With a step
                                                            I metamorphose ‘I’
                                                           With a brush
                                                           ‘I’ dissolve
                                                            And the world becomes me
                                                            Finally,
                                                           ‘I’ become ‘I’…